Writing a memoir is an incredibly personal and vulnerable journey. It's not easy to share your life story with complete strangers, but even harder to share with friends, especially when you know that some of the things you're sharing might not be easy to read or understand. But despite the challenges, I was committed to seeing my memoir through to the end.
I wrote and re-wrote my memoir so many times that I lost count. Part of my story contains really dark and painful moments. I wanted to share them so that others who have been in my shoes would know they were not alone. However, after sharing the book with some of those closest to me, I realized based on the feedback that it was not good or safe for me to share this version of the book.
I came to grieve the realization that I can not show up authentically in the world and feel safe. I've shared this sentiment with others who are in similar situations, and it resonated with them. Sometimes, it's best (or safest is the word I keep going back to) not to share all parts of your story. The advice you hear is usually to the contrary, but I believe everyone has to do what they feel is best for them. I certainly didn't want to cause anyone more pain that what I was already feeling.
In fact, I came to learn that oversharing is often a side effect of religious trauma, which is the very story I was telling. In her newsletter, Parenting After Religious Trauma, author Cindy Wang Brandt writes:
"I believe one of the symptoms of religious trauma is oversharing.... I see it often in deconstruction spaces, where people who grew up without any boundaries trying to wrest themselves away from fundamentalism, tend to overshare their trauma, sob stories, and relationship woes, which leads to even more betrayal and pain."
During a dark period (about a three-month depressive episode), I felt like I was going to abandon the project altogether; then, I decided to rework the book, this time focusing on helping the reader, someone who, like me, has been through some stuff and could use a friend who understands.
I cut out all of the unnecessary details that made the book feel too revealing and unsafe and made the book more focused on what the reader could take away from it. It was a tough decision to make, but I hope that the result is beneficial for all. As Cindy writes, "It is getting easier for me to keep certain things to myself without beating myself up. This work is at its root, the work of fortifying my sense of self."
The book is not perfect, but at the end of the day, it's still a reflection of who I am and what I've been through, and people will be able to relate to it in a way that they wouldn't have been able to before – and my hope is I'll be able to strengthen my sense of self.
I'm looking forward to sharing it with you very soon!